these boots are made for walking

"Mrs. Bryant, I like the way you walk in those boots. You're kind of like Puss in Boots...only a little cuter."

the butcher

talking about parents' professions:

Student 1: "My mom kills pigs"

Student 2: "She's the big bad wolf!?!?!?"

hot date

"Mrs. Bryant....sometimes when you dress up nice, and I mean REALLY nice, which is a lot, I kinda think you are going on a hot date or something."

ancient 2011

while reading a book about the american flag....

Me: "Oh wow, look! This flag is from a LONG time ago?"
Student: "Like 2011?"

next to = nice to

Scenario: A math lesson on the locational term "next to" with my ELL (English Language Learners)

Me: "Boys and girls, please stand next to the table"
Students: "Next to meet you Mrs. Bryant!"

gassy lassy

Me: "What kind of job does your dad have?"
Student: He sells gas...and no, not the kind you are thinking of!"

cristobal colon

during a discussion on Christopher Columbus....

Me: "the three boats were La Pinta, La Nina, and La Santa Maria"
Student: "the boats speak Spanish like us!?!?!? Wowwwww"

Mr. Water

Afterschool, the sprinklers were spraying where I usually stand with the kiddos and one of my kids was getting soaking wet."

Me: "Hey buddy, come stand over here instead, where the water feels just like a mister."
Student: "I didn't know water was a man"
Me: "What?"
Student: "Well you just called water a Mr."

eat day...i mean...earth day

I showed the kiddos a brief clip from an educational website about Earth Day and how important it is to take care of the Earth....

Me: "In the video, the young girl us telling how important it is to...."
Student (shouting out): EAT!

I was hoping someone would shout out "how important it was to take care of the Earth, but clearly someone had food on their mind.

Spring Break

A student took Spring "Break" a little too literally

Me: "How was your Spring Break?"

Student: "Well, it was ok, but I didn't break anything."

forget the teacher

"Mrs. Bryant, I don't actually have to listen to what you say. Anytime I want to learn, all I have to do is daydream about it and my brain teaches me it."

memories

We were discussing times we had been lost before....A students confused aisle with the word island"

"One time I got lost in island 3. Oh boy. Island 3. I'll never forget that island."

the mac apple

Student (while looking at a Mac computer): "So, Mrs. Bryant, who do you think took the bite out of that apple?"

Me: "Steve Jobs?"

Student: "Oh, ok!"

career day

my wonderful husband came in for career day yesterday....

"Mrs. Bryant, I was not expecting your husband to be that handsome."

(Someone has low standards for their teacher. haha)

just gooble it

Student 1: "Selena Gomez is Justin Bieber's girlfriend"

Student 2: "NOOOO, they broke up a long time ago. It's all over the internet. Just gooble it"

That's right friends, just "gooble" it.

happy birthday teacher

today was my birthday. i don't know if there is anything sweeter than 20 5-year olds singing you happy birthday. they are just too dang adorable (and funny too!)

"Mrs. Bryant, the other teacher are a lot taller than you. That's probably because you're only turning 11 today"

Me (going over schedule): "...and today during science, I brought you a little birthday treat."

Student: "Awesome. Are your parents coming?"

Student (handing me a box of mini cheesecakes her mom made): "Mrs. Bryant, do NOT let your husband eat the strawberry cheesecake. That is for birthday girls only!"

justin beiber look-alike

today was spring picture day. this means the kids can enjoy a day out of their uniforms. as always, they had plenty to say......

boy student: "Mrs. Bryant, these skinny jeans my mom made me wear make me feel like justin beiber. (lifts up back of shirt) wait a minute.....does that mean my underwear are showing?!?!?!"

girl student (misheard "Spring Pictures"): "Why are we taking ring pictures? I'm not wearing a ring. I need to call my mom...NOW!"

girl student: "Mrs. Bryant, don't tell her mom, but I think N's outfit makes her look like a leprachaun."

ear drum confusion

A student misunderstood the concept of her ear drums......

Student: "Mrs. Bryant, my mom made me stay home yesterday because she said something was wrong with my ear dumbs"

Me: "Oh."

Student: "But, Mrs. Bryant, don't you think that is a little mean that my mom thinks my ears are dumb. I think my ears are pretty smart...especially when they listen to you."

happy birthday dr. suess

My kiddos had a wonderful day celebrating Dr. Suess birthday.

"Ummmm....Mrs. Bryant, my hat doesn't really look like a hat. It just looks like I smushed some frosting and gummies together....which is what I really did."

Student: "What kind of medicine do you think Dr. Suess gave people?"

Me: "Books."

Student: "Mrs. Bryant!!! You cannot chew on books. That's just unacceptable."

neil armstrong

We've been studying astronauts and space and today we learned all about Neil Armstrong. Being the natural comedians they are, my kiddos had plenty to say about him....

"Why is his name Neil Armstrong? His legs look way stronger than his arms. I think they should've named him Neil Legstrong."

(watching the moon landing video)

Student 1 "Who is that man with Neil Armstrong?"

Student 2: "It's Martin Luther King....duh!"

"Mrs. Bryant, did Neil Armstrong die of from meteors going extinct, a moon explosion or an alien attack? I just can remember which one."

"I'm going to be Neil Armstrong when I grow up....only I'm gonna wear a much cuter hot pink astronaut suit....with sparkles and glitter, of course!"

"Oh great, now I have two men that I love...George Washington and Neil Armstrong."

pretty funny

Me: "P, I think you are pretty funny."

P: "Whoa....whoa..whoa...I'm not pretty. I'm a boy. Boys cannot be pretty AND funny at the same time. It's just not possible."

kindergarten geography

Me: "Boys and girls, this story is a Latin American folktale. That means it's a story that has been told for many years in Spanish speaking countries."

Student: "Oh, so you mean like in San Diego!"

Me: "Well, not quite."

Student: "But you mean somewhere in California right?"

red sox recruits

We were brainstorming -ox words and a student suggested the word "sox"

Arguing Class: "Sox isn't a word!"

Me: "Well, boys and girls, there is a professional baseball team called the Red Sox."

Student #1: "Wait....and all you have to do is have red socks to play? Ohhhh...well...then....I can definitely be on that team. Geez. That's just ridiculous."

flying stomach

I had to take my first day off due to a stomach flu. I was explaining my stomach flu to the kiddos when one kindly asked,

"Well, Mrs. Bryant, if your stomach flew away, when do you think it'll come back?"

coin crushes

We've been studying coins and discussing the appearance of each coin. Ironically, one of my girl's has developed quite the crush on G.W.

"Mrs. Bryant, I am in love George Washington. I just cannot resist that man."

conversation hearts

Context: We were using the Valentine's conversation hearts during math.

Student 1: "Mrs. Bryant, the heart that says 'Love' really tastes like LOVE"

Student 2: "Love doesn't have a flavor"

Student 1: "Oh yes it does, love flavor makes your tongue tingle like crazy. Ummm...You really should already know that by now."

anatomy according to a 5 year old

Me: "Everyone use your hand to find those hard bumpy bones down the middle of your back. That is your spine."

Student: "Mrs. Bryant, I do not have a spine. I only have a brain, a heart, and a butt. That's it!!!"

the dad debate

A student called a "computer" a "cuter". This is what resulted...

Student 1: "Mrs. Bryant, my dad can't pick me up anymore because he is in Afghanistan now....but I do get to see him on the cuter" (cuter=computer)

Eavesdropping Student 2: "Whoa, your dad is not cuter. My dad is way cuter. He's cutest of them all. There's just no way your dad is cuter."

Student 1: "Oh, ok. Your dad can be cuter today, but only today, because my dad is pretty cute."

magical

"Mrs. Bryant, do you know what is just so magical?..........Brushing your teeth!"

border patrol

"Yeah...sooooo.....my dad.....he works for border patrol. Yeah, he pretty much kills all the bad guys. I know that may be hard for your to swallow Mrs. Bryant, but its the truth."

100th day

Today was the 100th day of school, so I dressed up like a 100 year old. My kiddos had plenty to say about it....

"Mrs. Bryant, you only look just a little bit beautiful as an old lady. Not all the way beautiful, only just a little bit beautiful."

(Pointing at a substitute that was an older lady): "Hey look, Mrs. Bryant, a real old lady. And she's even dressed like you!"

"Mrs. Bryant, whatever you do, just please don't kiss me like an old lady. They always have lipstick on and their kisses taste like drool."

P.S. I know I looked ridiculous, but my kindergartners LOVED it.

grade confusion

explaining how to use a computer program:

Me: "Which grade do you think you will click on? K for kindergarten? 1 for first grade? 2 for second grade? Or 3 for 3rd grade?

Class: The K for kindergarten!

Student: "Are you serious?!?!? I thought we were in 3rd grade already. Oh man, being in school is gonna take forever."

Welcome to the next 16 years of your life little one!

lady gaga

conversation during a science craft....

Student: "Guys! Guys! Guys! We have to use safe scissors because my sister used scissors to cut her hair like Lady Gaga and she just came out looking like a man."

pickle graphs

We've been working on pictographs (graphs using pictures) all week and then I heard on of my kids say this...

"Mrs. Bryant's, how come we've been drawing pickle graphs all week and haven't even drawn a single pickle?!?!?!?"

high heels

I wore high heels today with my outfit for school pictures. They really threw my kids off. Here's a few of their cute comments:

"Mrs. Bryant, you look really beautiful in those tall loud shoes"

"You're not being very quiet in the hallway with those shoes today Mrs. Bryant"

A student was complaining about an uncomfortable belt when another student said....

"But Mrs. Bryant isn't complaining and she is wearing those tall loud shoes today"

milk

Student 1: "My mom has milk that can come out of her boobs."

Student 2: "Ohhhhhh, I didn't know your mom was a cow."

kindergarten crushes

B: "Mrs. Bryant, Sean's hair looks really cute today."

Me: "That's nice, why don't you tell him that?"

B: "Sean, your hair looks so cute today"

Sean: "Ugh, you've already said that like 3 times today. I already know I look cute with a mohawk."

middle name confusion

We were discussing how we use have middle names and last names to help distinguish us from other people with the same name as us and this is what resulted...

Me: "Aaron, what is your middle name?"

Aaron: "Chihuahua"

Me: "I think that is your nickname. Do you know your middle name?"

Aaron: "Chihuahua"

Another student: "I think he is trying to say Juan"

(As always, all names have been changed for safety reasons)

jillian michaels

I ran into a student at the public library. I didn't realize that the cover of my Jillian Michael's workout DVD was showing until I heard this,

"Mrs. Bryant, why are you checking out a movie about a naked lady?"

Oops

unachievable new year goal

A conversation during a writing session about our New Year goals:

Me: "P, what is your goal for 2012?"

P: "To be a better listener and to listen to you."

Me: "Good, now let's write that goal on your paper."

P: "What did you say?"

Priceless.

bear bowels

Student: "Mrs. Bryant, do bears fart? Ummm....because, hibernation is a long time and I kind of fart in my sleep, a lot."

discovering nicknames

Students: "Mrs. Bryant, Christopher is saying his name is Chris. He's LYING!!!!!!"

Me: "Well, boys and girls, he is not lying, Christopher is his full name, but we call him Chris. That is his nickname."

J: "Oh.....well, then I DEFINITELY have a nickname and it's....Beautiful.

All Students: "Ok. Hi Beautiful!!!!!"

*all names have been changed for security reasons (yes, I'm a good teacher like that).

my OLD man

Student (holding and sniffing a beanie): "Mrs. Bryant, I think this is your husband's hat."

Me: "Why do you think it is his?"

Student: "Well, because it smells like an old man"

Me: "Oh really, do you think my husband is an old man?"

Student (exasperated) : "Well, ummmm, YEAH!"

merry christmas

Student: "Here Mrs. Bryant (handing me a present full of lotion, make up, etc.) It's your Christmas gift. It's just a bunch of stuff my mom said she doesn't use anymore."

Oops. Don't think your mom wanted me to hear that.

britney spears' poor advice

a student with newborn twin brothers asked me today:

"Mrs. Bryant, why does that song say 'Hit me baby one more time'? My mama tells me never to hit the babies."

Mr. Tellme

Me: "Okay mister, tell me the...."

P: "Wait a minute, my name is not Mr. Tellme"

healthy habits

Me: "What are some ways you can be a healthy kid?"

Student: "Eat vegetables"

Me: "Yes, you're right. What else?"

Student: "Ummm, do magic tricks?"

If only healthy living was a simple magic trick.

pledging allegiance to a frog

overheard today during the Pledge of Allegiance:

"And a liberty and justice frog"

kindergarten social studies

Today's conversation during Social Studies:

Me: "Does anyone think they know who our president is?"
Kid 1: "Abraham Lincoln?"
Kid 2: "George Washinton?
Kid 3: "Ba-rama-Mama!!!"

a birthday hug

‎"Mrs. Bryant, is it okay if I hug my parents when they come in to bring my birthday cupcakes?"

sugar high

‎"Mrs. Bryant, these marshmallows are making me dance."

the texture of earrings

‎"Mrs. Bryant, can I PLEASE touch your Rudolf the Red Nose reindeer earrings? I'm just dying to know if they're chewy!"

handsome?

‎"Mrs. Bryant, is it ok if I call you handsome? Because I just really think your snowman earrings make you look so handsome today."

truth or dare

I overheard this while on recess duty....

girl: truth or dare?

boy: truth.

girl: Tell me about your life

boy: I have to tell you the truth about my whole life!!?!?!?

where teacher's live

Me: "And tonight when I go home......."

Little boy interrupting, "Mrs. Bryant, you have a home? Is it a haunted house?"

Other little boy: "Yeah, like with flames!?!?!?"

WHO DO THESE KIDS THINK I AM!

time out apology

Me: K, do you know why you had to sit in time-out?

K: I bwake pecils (Translation: I broke pencils)

Me: That's right. We use our erasers for erasing and we do not break them. What do you think you need to tell Mrs. Bryant for breaking the pencils? (inferring he needs to apologize)

K: (Long pause) I love youuuuuuuuu

bird drama

conversation during a math assessment

Me: Okay, everybody please circle the bird that is flying over the boat.

A: (in a loud yelling voice) Mrs. Bryant, it's a seagull!

Me: A, remember we're keep our voices off right now.

A: But I can't be quiet when I know it is seagull and you just call it a bird.

a speedy plot line

“Mrs. Bryant, I want to tell you a story. Once upon a time there was a princess. She ran into the forest and found a man. The end.”

double itch

“Mrs. Bryant, my butt is itchy in two places. This cheek AND this cheek”

the effects of cologne

Me (in teacher mode): “P, I really need you to focus.”

P: “But Mrs. Bryant, I cant! I think it's because I’m wearing cologne."

uppercase numbers?

“Mrs. Bryant, I just wrote an uppercase 4!”

halloween disappointment

“Mrs. Bryant, it’s Halloween and you’re still dressed up as teacher!”

too cute

after one of my students hit me (long story), another boy looked up at me and said,

"Mrs. Bryant, I would never hit you. You are WAY too cute."